When there’s no acknowledgment, no thank you, my heart begins to harden

💚🔥🐉

After three days of facilitation, 13+ hour work days, I noticed something unusual. I wasn’t energized the way I normally am. I was exhausted.

In that exhaustion, I discovered a truth: one of my core values has shifted.

For years, I held respect as a core need. But it never sat fully right. What I actually need to thrive is appreciation.

The Cage of “Good”

For much of my life, I was raised inside an invisible cage of what was “good” and what was “wrong.”

🖤 Greed meant I had to keep giving, even when I was empty.

🖤 Wrath told me anger was dangerous, so I buried it.

🖤 Pride warned me not to celebrate myself, so I kept my head down.

🖤 Laziness told me I had to keep proving my worth through relentless action.

I became someone who gave and gave, while smiling through my own pain, convinced that was “good.”

But cages always leave cracks. And in those cracks, truth grows.

The Shift: Respect → Appreciation

Respect was about being good enough.

Appreciation is about being seen enough.

And that shift matters.

Respect often lives in rules, roles, and expectations. It’s external. It says: “I acknowledge your position, your effort, your behavior.”

Appreciation, on the other hand, is relational. It says: “I see you. I value you. I recognize the essence you bring.”

I give to the world from love, not for a transaction. But when there’s no acknowledgment, no thank you, my heart begins to harden. Small bits of rage collect. Eventually, the well runs dry.

Without appreciation, I cannot thrive.

Why Needing Appreciation Isn’t Weakness

At first, admitting I needed appreciation felt like failure.

I thought: Shouldn’t I know I’m enough without words? Shouldn’t my worth stand unshaken, even if no one sees me?

For a while, I tried to will the need away. I carried it in my gut but convinced myself it wasn’t “worthy” of being named.

But here’s the psychology:

💚 Values are not proof of deficiency. They’re orientation points. Having values doesn’t mean you aren’t enough, it means you know what helps you flourish.

💚 Needs ≠ weakness. In self-determination theory (the psychology of motivation), three universal needs are identified: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When these are met, people thrive. Appreciation sits inside “relatedness”, the need to feel seen, valued, and connected.

💚 Acknowledgment sustains giving. My fire burns from love, but fire still needs air. Appreciation is the oxygen that keeps it alive.

So needing appreciation is not weakness or lack of self-worth. It’s wisdom, wisdom about what sustains my fire.

Empathy vs. Appreciation

Another important truth: for a long time, I thought I needed empathy.

But a few years ago, I realized I could survive without it. I had already learned to thrive even when others couldn’t feel what I felt. I discovered I could self-regulate, self-validate, and keep moving forward even if the world didn’t mirror back my emotions. That was resilience, born from necessity.

And yet, appreciation is different.

❤️‍🔥 Empathy = feeling with me.

❤️‍🔥 Appreciation = seeing me.

I don’t need everyone to feel my experience. But I do need to be seen. Because when I am seen, my giving expands.

Speaking to My Dragons

My dragons, the ones I revealed in my book, are not enemies. They are protectors, born in my past, guarding both my fears and my strengths.

🐉 Abandonment taught me resilience, reminding me that I am enough and that love isn’t earned by what I do.

🐉 Subjugation taught me the importance of boundaries, of standing firm in my truth even when it feels uncomfortable.

🐉 Unrelenting Standards gave me drive and focus, but only when paired with grace and progress over perfection.

To these dragons I will now say:

🔥 “You were never my enemy. You were my guardians, carrying me through times when love was conditional and safety uncertain. You gave me armor when I was small. You taught me to endure, to rise, to keep moving forward.”

🔥 “But today, I no longer need to live inside your shadow. The value that sustains me now is not the fear you once carried for me. It is appreciation, being seen, being acknowledged, being valued for who I am. That is what keeps my fire alive.”

My Current Values (today’s clarity)

1. Trust

2. Autonomy

3. Authenticity

4. Reliability

5. Appreciation (new)

• Respect (released today)

• Empathy (released years ago)

Harder in the Netherlands

Naming appreciation as a core value feels even harder here in the Netherlands, where cultural norms lean toward modesty, understatement, and direct critique over verbal praise. Compliments can be sparse, and acknowledgment often comes indirectly, through efficiency, results, or silence.

But silence doesn’t feed my fire.

That makes this realization even harder (braver to name!): to say, out loud, I need appreciation. Not as a transaction. Not as a demand. But as oxygen.

To thrive here means holding my values steady, even in a culture that doesn’t hand them to me easily. And maybe that’s part of the work, to model a leadership that normalizes appreciation, that shows it isn’t indulgence but fuel.

Dragon Wisdom

A dragon can breathe fire endlessly, but only if it honors the air it needs to sustain the flame.

Humans are no different.

💬 Have you ever realized one of your values shifted, not because you chose it, but because you finally admitted what your soul always needed?

💚 If this reflection resonated with you, my book The Leadership Leap: Now Without Crash Landings dives deep into these dragons, values, and the journey of leading with authenticity. It’s for anyone who wants to turn challenge into strength and lead without losing themselves.

👉 You can get your copy here: https://www.avagasso.com/shop