When Empathy Stops Being a Need and Becomes a Strength

There was a moment in my conversation with Anca that stopped me mid-sentence.

I heard myself say it out loud, something I had lived for years, but while speaking to Anca, finally named so clearly:

Empathy used to be something I needed from others to feel safe.

Now I know it’s a strength I carry, not a requirement I place on the room.

That shift changes everything.

When empathy starts as survivalFor a long time, empathy sat on my values list.

Not because I admired it

but because I needed it.

I needed others to feel me, sense me, soften toward me, and meet me emotionally so I could feel safe, seen, and regulated. That need made sense. It came from my history, my nervous system, and the dragons I carried: abandonment, hyper-responsibility, emotional attunement learned too early.

Empathy wasn’t a leadership strength back then.

It was a regulation strategy.

Dragons don’t disappear, they transform

As I started embracing my dragons instead of fighting them, something shifted.

The very parts that once made me over-attune, over-feel, and over-carry…

became the source of a different kind of power.

Empathy stopped being something I asked for

and became something I brought.

That’s when I realized something crucial:

I don’t need others to feel me

to lead with empathy.

The difference between empathy types (and why it matters)

In The Leadership Leap, I explore thirteen types of empathy, because empathy is not one thing, and this realization sits exactly where several of those forms meet.

What changed for me was learning to shift how I empathize:

🖤 From Emotional & Vicarious Empathy

(absorbing feelings, carrying emotional weight)

💚 Toward Cognitive Empathy

(understanding perspectives without drowning in them)

💚 And Detached Empathy

(acknowledging emotion without absorbing it)

💚 Supported by Phenomenological Empathy

(entering someone’s worldview without judgment or projection)

This combination allows something powerful:

I can sit with people even those who struggle with empathy, emotional access, or vulnerability

without requiring them to feel me back.

I can see them.

Give them space.

Hold courageous conversations.

And still thrive.

When values evolve, not disappear

Values are not fixed personality traits.

Some are stable anchors, like reliability for me.

Others evolve as we heal, grow, and integrate.

Empathy didn’t disappear from my life.

It moved.

From “I need this to thrive”

to “I carry this as a strength.”

And with that came another realization, one I still see leaders struggle to name:

There is often shame around certain values.

The quiet shame of needing appreciation

I’ll name it plainly.

For years, I felt ashamed that I needed appreciation.

Somewhere along the way, I absorbed the belief that:

If you’re a good person, you shouldn’t need acknowledgment.

That belief kept a real value in the shadows.

It wasn’t until I felt whole enough, and grounded enough in my worth, that I could say it out loud:

I do need appreciation to thrive.

Not because I’m needy.

But because I’m human.

And naming that changed how I made decisions, chose environments, and led others.

Leadership isn’t about needing less, it’s about knowing more

This is what I want leaders to understand:

❤️‍🔥 You are not weak for needing certain things to thrive

❤️‍🔥 You are not less evolved because your values shift

❤️‍🔥 And you are not “too empathetic” or “not empathetic enough”

You are learning which type of empathy is yours, and how to use it sustainably.

Empathy is not about feeling what others feel.

It’s about supporting them well, without losing yourself.

Want to go deeper?

This insight is explored more deeply in:

🔥 📘 My book The Leadership Leap: Now Without Crash Landings: https://www.theleadershipleap.org/

(especially the chapters on empathy, boundaries, and dragon integration)

🔥 🎥 Anca’s full interview & story, where this moment emerged organically: https://www.avagasso.com/post/anca-grigoras-from-imposter-to-integrated-leader

🔥 🐉 Leadership Landing, where leaders learn to map their values, empathy patterns, and dragons into real-world leadership practice: https://www.theleadershiplanding.com/

💚 Dragon Insight

Empathy doesn’t make you powerful because you feel more.

It makes you powerful when you no longer have to.