Can engineers be mothers?

When I was younger, I sat in a room at a women-in-engineering event and asked a question that felt far bigger than my age.

Can engineers be mothers?

Not should they.

Not do some manage somehow.

But truly be both.

Can a woman build systems, solve problems, lead teams, travel for work, think deeply, create value… and also raise children with love, presence, and care?

Even then, I knew the world was giving mixed signals.

Work hard, but not too hard.

Be ambitious, but not threatening.

Be devoted to your children, but somehow financially secure.

Be available everywhere, all at once.

Smile while doing it.

This week, I am in London for work.

And last week, my own daughter asked me something close to the same question:

Can I be professional and be a mom too?

The ache of that question traveled through time.

Because despite decades of progress, many girls are still quietly scanning the horizon trying to see whether adulthood will require self-betrayal.

Will I have to choose?

Will I have to shrink?

Will love cost ambition?

Will ambition cost love?

I wanted to answer her not with theory, but with truth.

You may have seasons of trade-offs.

You may have hard choices.

You may need support, boundaries, creativity, courage, and rest.

But no, you do not have to erase yourself to become a mother.

And no, motherhood does not erase your gifts.

I know this not from slogans, but from lived life.

I am a single mother of three.

I am also a professional woman who travels for work, leads, builds, coaches, creates, and keeps growing.

Tonight my friend Nicol stays over so my children are supported at home. Tomorrow Sanne will. In other seasons there was daycare. Babysitters. Careful planning. Community. Improvisation. Exhaustion. Grace.

This is another truth we rarely honor:

Many mothers do not “do it all.”

They coordinate it all.

They carry the invisible architecture of it all.

They build ecosystems so life can function.

That labor is real.

And still, I am deeply close with my children.

We talk. We laugh. We connect. We share quality time. We know each other. I know their hearts.

Presence is not measured only in hours under the same roof.

Presence is attention.

Presence is safety.

Presence is emotional availability.

Presence is repair after mistakes.

Presence is showing children what a full human life can look like.

I also learned something uncomfortable to admit in a world that worships maternal self-sacrifice:

I believe I became a better mother when I could work too.

Because work, when healthy, did not take me from my children.

It gave me stimulation. Identity. Growth. Adult challenge. Financial contribution. Pride. Energy. Perspective.

A fulfilled parent often has more to give than an erased one.

Of course, the early years matter deeply. With each of my children, I took time when they were babies, from six months to two years depending on the season and child. Attachment matters. Bonding matters. Tenderness matters.

But after those roots are planted, many women do not need permanent shrinking.

They need permission to expand again.

And then there is the interview question.

I have been asked multiple times whether I can handle a role because I am a mother of three.

Interesting question.

How many single fathers are asked this?

How many men are asked whether parenthood has compromised their ambition, competence, reliability, or leadership potential?

How many fathers walk into interviews expected to defend reproduction as a risk factor?

Exactly.

Sometimes bias does not arrive shouting.

Sometimes it arrives smiling, framed as practicality.

Just checking.

Just wondering.

Just being realistic.

But realism applied unequally is prejudice wearing office clothes.

The deeper issue is not one rude question.

It is the assumption underneath it:

That caregiving weakens women.

That motherhood reduces capability.

That family responsibility belongs primarily to women.

That professional seriousness and maternal devotion are opposing forces.

I reject that.

Motherhood sharpened many of my strengths.

Prioritization.

Resilience.

Emotional intelligence.

Negotiation.

Boundary setting.

Long-term thinking.

Operating under pressure.

Reading moods quickly.

Managing chaos calmly.

Loving while tired.

Leading when no applause comes.

Tell me again how that is irrelevant experience.

This trip to London is not just a work trip.

It is a quiet answer to my younger self.

Yes, engineers can be mothers.

Yes, leaders can be mothers.

Yes, women can build careers and families.

Yes, single mothers can travel for work and still be deeply loving parents.

Yes, daughters can inherit more possibility than fear.

And to every woman carrying guilt because she wants both love and purpose:

You are not greedy for wanting a full life.

You are human.

🐉 A dragon does not apologize for having wings and a nest.